Nobody Waved Goodbye
I went to the blogger bash on Friday night and all the "celebrities" showed. In fact, when I arrived at the pub, Let It Bleed was in the lobby arguing with the manager about a tear in the rug.
"I'm a lawyer," he said softly, "And there's a guy coming here who likes to sue people so if you're smart you're going to do something about that carpet."
They moved off into the other room and I settled into a conversation with Huge Seagull who was part of the large Newfie contingent. We were standing near the doorway when Zerb came in and, with her gaze set firmly forward, started marching upstairs.
"It's in here," I said.
She swung around. "Who the blank are you?"
I mumbled my blog's name.
"They said it was upstairs!"
"Well, it's down here now."
She tore her coat off and handed it to me. "Hold this," she ordered, then, turning to Huge, she said "Get me a Stella," and stomped into the main room. "Where's Kathy Shaidle?" she snarled, "I've got some scores to settle." Later, I saw them arm-wrestling.
Jason Cherniak walked by. "Hey," I said. "I saw you on Studio 2." "Did you like the show?" he asked. "Yeah, but you looked better on TV. Did they put makeup on you or something?"
My mother always tells me that I've got a fantastic sense of humour but, surprisingly, he didn't laugh. Or even smile. "See that girl over there?" he said. "She produced that segment. Maybe you'd like to speak to her." "Oh yeah?" I replied, excited as a puppy. "I love that show. I've got to talk to her."
Now, she was in conversation with The Ghost of a Flea but I barged right in. "Sorry to interrupt," I said, "but I just want to tell you how much I enjoy your show. It's so interesting. A stellar performance every night. I remember the time Paula interviewed the NDP leadership candidates. They were so [expletive] boring but she almost made them watchable.
"Hey, asshole." said the producer, "Can't you see I'm talkin' to someone? Buzz off."
Okay, I've got to admit, that wasn't the first time that happened to me. Whenever I meet someone from Studio 2, I just go crazy and, quite frankly, I know I'd do the exact same thing again.
So, I moseyed over to Free Advice. Apparently, he's got some kind of mental problem. He falls asleep while you're talking to him and starts seeing things but you don't know what's happening because his eyes are still open. He told me that he once chased his wife around the house because he thought she was a big doughnut. I tried to convince Kathy that this is how religions get started but she wasn't buying.
Andrew Coyne came in and a little woman who has a blog about garlic asked us who he was. "He's cute," she said. "I like his shoes". "He blogs about knitting," I told her, "Go and talk to him. I hear he likes cooking, too." We had a chuckle as he leaned down to listen to her with a pained, confused look on his face.
Just then, Ricky McGinnis appeared wearing that same red cowboy shirt he had on the last time I saw him. (He claims he's got a million of them).
"Hey," I said. "I saw a movie on Vision TV last week. Glen Ford was a train engineer who falls in love with Ida Lupino who wants him to murder her husband, Broadrick Crawford. What movie was that?"
"Double Indemnity?" he asked.
"Come on!"
"Postman Rings Twice?"
"Look everybody," I crowed, " This guy claims to be a film critic!"
The Meatriarchy winced because he's my friend and he felt embarrassed for me. But those Diet Cokes add up and by this time there was no holding me back.
I dove into a deep discussion with Rick about vulgarity on TV. If he's such a big social conservative, I said, how can he like South Park? He trotted out Pope and Swift and started pining for the 18th century and I decided it was time to leave.
On my way out I saw The Accordion Guy singing karaoke. Apparently, he likes Bob Marley. But Bob Marley doesn't like him.
And did I mention Nick Quotavicious? I love that guy. His goal in life is to memorize every nasty quip that's ever been said and find a way to use it in his everyday life. He mumbles something nasty every time he passes by me but I can't quite make it out so I don't care.
See you all at the next do when Damian comes in February.
